Cover Stories, News

How to escape being killed by your spouse

-12 solutions to stop domestic violence now

Young marriages, even those that have crossed the ten year line, are struggling, especially because of the difficulties of modern times. Many spouses are living in pain, being battered regularly and in denial.

The recent cases of the Arowolos, Oyedirans and Shondes have again brought the issue to the attention of the reading public.

Many couples are in this situation and are at a loss about what to do to stop domestic violence. How can spouses protect themselves from abuse? How can they stop being battered? How do they know partners prone to anger and violence?

There are no hard and fast rules about stopping being abused, not getting into a violent liaison and walking out alive from one.

But here are 12 ways you can prevent it, stop it and live to tell the story:


  1. Draw up attributes of your ideal spouse

Before you are ready for marriage, you should draw up a list of what you desire in a partner. Don’t go into a dalliance without a master plan. You should know what you want in a spouse. And we always attract what we desire. As soon as you are mature enough to date, only agree to be with people you are comfortable with. As your taste changes and you settle into your skin, you refine the attributes you desire – and find someone who parades most of them. Don’t cut corners, it may haunt you later.


  1. Court for a reasonable length of time

We need a reasonable length of time to understand one another, discover what we like and cannot stand before we go ahead. Never rush into marriage. Would you rush to rent an apartment without thorough checks and introspection? So, why should you dash into a life long relationship?


  1. Marry for love, it conquers almost all

You should always marry for love. No matter the circumstances of your meeting, you should grow to love your partner before you decide to tie the knot. There are many things you won’t like about your partner, and many you will adore. You have to put them on a scale. Once the good ones far outshine the bad, you are good to go. Don’t compromise on important things; they won’t disappear. And remember, it is a life long engagement. It is not about what people are saying, it is about your wellbeing.


  1. Read far and wide about matrimony

Before you decide to marry, when you are young in matrimony and as you mature in it, you should read far and wide. Learn about the struggles in marriages and how couples coped. You will find similar stories you can relate to.


  1. Never accept abuse

Abuses are prolonged because the victims stand and explain them away. Whether verbal, emotional or physical, abuses should be rejected in clear, soft voice. Let your partner know that you cannot condone or stand it. Find ways to ensure your position is clearly understood.  Seek help before it gets out hand.


  1. Don’t engage in supremacy war

Couples are partners, not superiors and subordinates. So, treat your partner with utmost respect. Remember that eternal maxim, love your neighbour as thy self. It should be exemplified in matrimony. After all said and done, the man is the head. He should be accorded that deference.


  1. Leave the space of loud arguments

To prevent arguments escalating to physical abuse, one party must leave the scene. And it can be the woman, who most likely is not as physically strong. Just walk away, be quiet and allow tempers to cool. You can even leave the house right then, and seek solace with neighbours or families. Don’t stand and wait for who blinks first.


  1. Pamper your spouse, feed him, don’t deny sex

Pampering disarms. No matter the level of misunderstanding, it can be resolved with care and attention. Make your spouse’s life easier and more comfortable. Feed him well, don’t deny one another sex. Even when anyone is angry, the process of copulation endears. And the misunderstanding dissolves.


  1. Get a job, and put something on the table

It is a joint business, a partnership, and energy and resources must come from both parties. You must give to be able to receive. The man should be the breadwinner with ample support from madam. And sometimes when he is unable to provide because of challenges, the woman should step in. Don’t make a song and dance about your efforts.


  1. Never cheat

Once you choose your spouse, you should never cheat. You will be caught, it is just a matter of time. And most violence in matrimony can be traced to cheating or suspicion of adultery, apart from finances. Choose the path of honour and respect your marriage.


  1. Be grounded spiritually

Being spiritual teaches us about the vagaries of life, and provides a solid ground to stand on in the face of challenges. Being spiritual even curbs a lot of our excesses. You can draw strength from outside of yourself to stand strong. The daily and weekly communion gives us the fortitude to bear a lot.


  1. Maintain a clique of close friends you can confide in

You should have friends you can confide in, tell your troubles. Friends of the same sex. They can exchange experiences and provide insights. They can even talk to your spouse and watch your back.

Related Stories:



About the Author