Encomium
THE past three weeks, we have been letting you in, on the story of how former Managing Director of the defunct Assurance Bank, Chika Mbonu, allegedly wrecked a 10 year-old marriage. He was fingered as the father of a couple’s (Henry and Doreen Bassey) two children (8 year-old Emmanuel and 6 year-old Tahiella) and was subsequently ex-communicated from The Redeemed Christian Church of God, City of David Parish, Victoria Island, Lagos, where he used to be a pastor. Henry confirmed Chika Mbonu’s alleged affair with his wife, with more facts emerging on the adultery mess.
In a chat with ENCOMIUM Weekly on Friday, September 24, 2010, psychologists examined the issues and the effects on all the parties involved…
Dr. Temitayo Deborah Adewuyi is a lecturer in the Department of Psychology, Lagos State University, Ojo. She had her first degree in the school in 1998 and her Master’s also in 2004. She later went to the University of Ilorin where she bagged a Ph.D in Counselling. She established the university’s counselling centre in 2007/2008. She was the initiator of the psycho-therapy unit of the Department of Psychology, LASU. Her special area is Clinical and Counselling Psychology.
What is likely to happen to the children psychologically?
This age psychologically is informative period and as it is, children can think right. Cognitively, it is going to affect their thinking because they know what a father and mother mean. Their cognitive thinking has been disturbed. They need intervention, they need a psychologist. In fact, the whole household needs one.
What are the things that can be done so that nothing negative happens to them psychologically?
First, the mother has to confess to the children. The other man, Chika, has to acclaim and the father has to accept. The one who has been taking care of them (Henry) has to accept.
Henry is now 40 years old, married for 10 years now. What is going to happen to him after discovering that the kids are not his?
He is in great stress because as a responsible father, he has expended a lot on the children. He has acclaimed the role, won the feather, now the feather is being removed. It’s a great loss to him. He is psychologically disturbed. The thinking is marred. There is no intervention to trust, to rely, to live, to interact with female. Even with fellow colleagues. It may be dangerous because Chika is an acclaimed mentor. A mentor in psychology is a role model, somebody you look up to. The Basseys’ relationship with Mr. Mbonu was initially on trust, but it has been marred. The relationship was on truth. The man and the woman have moved from the safety relationship of parent to another relationship which is risky. Mr. Henry has to come to reality. There is what we call reality therapy. It is used to intervene in people’s behaviour. Reality therapy has to be apt to this situation. The nine basic principles of reality therapy has to be implemented. It is no longer news now, it is a reality. The husband has to know, they are not my children. It is not late at 40 years. Chika has to take responsibility. Medical science has proved it. For Henry, he has to think right, he should not be in an illusion unless he wants to destroy or mar his life. His mind would be disturbed. He would have post-traumatic stress. His mind would be disturbed, he would have sleepless nights, which is dangerous.
How can he handle the psychological situation?
He has to come to reality that they are not my children. Your relationship with your parents is called security and safety relationship. All other relationship is risky. That is the risk in relationship. The kind of wife he married is not a trusted wife. It’s the reality. He has been jilted. There is nothing he can do but it is not too late. He is a man. Par-adventure what happens? Is he not able to produce? Why the two children came from outside, that is what he has to ask himself. In marital relationship, there are so many hidden things. Why the two children? Why not one? Does he have any physiological problem? He should go to a doctor before he enters into another relationship. And the woman, why did she do that? Is your husband having ejaculation problem? Before a woman behaves that way, there might be a reason. He is hiding something. Something prompted the woman to do that. The woman is in stress too. Did she discuss with her husband before she took such decision?
There is no report that the man cannot father a child in the story?
Why the two children then? Why not one of them?
The lady at the centre of this issue –Doreen, what would be going through her mind now?
The game is over. It’s a game theory. She thought she can play pranks. But nemesis has caught up with her. She earlier on thought she would go scot-free. There is no way out, she cannot convince the man she never dated Mr. Chika. The woman can be an actress, it is a drama. But, in real life, we can call it psycho-drama. Doreen is disturbed because the husband will send her packing. She does not know how Chika will accept her into his matrimonial home. She also knows that the children can never forget the trauma she has put them to. If care is not taken, the children can become ‘maladactive.’ That is, it can affect their behaviour. You see some children behaving anti-social, this is one of the reasons.
What are the things she has to do to help her mental well being?
Reality therapy. In reality therapy, you take responsibility for your actions. Whatever the decision of her husband, she has to take it because she is responsible for it. Whatever action the children pose, she also has to take responsibility. She has to accept all mental state because she took a decision to go in for the man. Perhaps, it is a gain or loss relationship. This is the loss aspect of it. If she starts thinking negatively, it can lead to mental case, she then puts herself into trouble. Both Henry and Doreen, if care is not taken, they can have post-traumatic stress. Their thinking will counteract their action. There will be a kind of withdrawal from relationship. Henry is in real trouble, because both persons have turned their back on him. Mbonu has disappointed him, the wife has disgraced him. Care must be taken, especially for Henry.
In the household of Chika, what is going to happen now that his children have half-brother and sister? How will they cope with the children?
No, no, no, they might have been smelling it. A relationship is observable and measurable. Chika’s wife might have been nosing around. So, the children have to come to reality. It’s all reality therapy for rehabilitating all of them. It’s a game for Chika, and the game has come to reality. He can be sued, he is in trouble. About his biological children, there is no psychology about it. Their father has added more. The children of Chika have to accept that of Doreen. It is natural, it has been tested medically. There is nothing Chika’s wife can do, because she was not able to stop it for 10 years. You can observe people, it’s a thing of the mind. Chika has violated the New Testament theology by adding Doreen to his life. If you look at it, it’s a theological issue and psychological one. When you look at psychology of behaviour and Christian ethics, in Christian ethics, it is forbidden, in psychology of religion, it is forbidden. Redeemed is a New Testament church that was the result of the ex-communication because it is not ethically right for Chika to do so. For him to marry another wife, he ceases to be a Christian and for him to accept is another trouble. Chika is in trouble because he has taken a role that he does not have personality. His personality has countered the role, there is role conflict.
Gaudonu M. Babatunde is the assistant lecturer, Psychology Department, Faculty of Social Sciences, Lagos State University, Ojo. He has his B.Sc in Guidance and Counselling at the University of Nigeria Nsukka in 1999. He later had his M.Ed, Counselling Psychology in LASU in 2005. Currently, he is undergoing his M.Sc/M.Phil in Psychology at the University of Ibadan.
What is likely going to happen to the children psychologically?
Basically, because of the society we are, this is Africa, it is very easy to label people, especially by children their own age. Issues like these cause emotional instability. These were children that used to know that this was our father, only for them to turn around that he was no longer their father. Society will likely label these children as bastards when they interact with their counterparts. But, if a psychologist could handle these children at this stage, it would not have a strong effect on them.
What are the things that can be done so that nothing negative happens to them psychologically?
The best thing is for them to be referred to their biological father. If it is also possible, they should be taken away from that environment they grew up, because people know their story. Also, they should accept that the other man is their father.
Henry Bassey is 40 years old, married for 10 years, what is going to happen to him after discovering that the kids are not his?
The first thing that will occur to him is where am I going to start? At 40, he can still father children. Since he suspected them earlier on and later confronted the woman, he can still uphold the tenacity of his faith. Let him go ahead. But if not, the best thing to do is to seek for divorce because without divorce, they are still married. Later, he should look out to see if God can still favour him to get another person he will start his life with. It is not how far that matters, but how well.
How can he handle the psychological situation?
He needs someone to manage him seriously. He needs someone beside him. He cannot manage himself. Anyone who is going to manage him should be someone who is well rooted in psychology, who can take him in on intervention process to regain his stability because this is a period he needs intervention. Somebody has to intervene, for him to go through certain processes.
The lady at the centre, Doreen, what is going through her mind now?
Nothing. For her to have gone into that, she believes that such thing is not new in the society and that is the problem we have in our society today. Such, has been seen as a culture, because it comes with civilization and so-called globalization. Believing that western world practice is the best. To her, it is not a big deal. Also, anything that has to do with emotion is always difficult to detach because it is not the year that matters. If you go through the mind of the Basseys, the feeling they have for themselves is still there. In a woman’s life, the man that disvirgins a woman is a hero in her life. Who knows if it is Henry that ‘disvirgined’ her? Even if they parted for 20 years, that natural feeling will still come up.
What are the things she has to do to help her mental well being?
She needs to do away with that environment first. She needs that someone to manage her. She believes that her image has hit the rocks, and anything that deals with reputation, it means the ego or dignity is no longer there. She also needs the intervention of a psychologist too, just like Henry. Otherwise, people will continue to point accusing fingers. She has left the country. This will basically tell you that what is being practiced where she came from, is what she has totally practiced here. In the Western world, the issue of single parenthood and contract marriage is a old story. They don’t marry because of children. Most times, if the reason of going into a marriage lapses, you people disengage. Also, most of the deed was done when they travelled out because over there, they are free to do and undo. If she is still around, she needs to redeem her image by confessing openly. No one is above mistake. We are all bound to fall into one mistake or the other. Let her take responsibility of all that happened.
In the household of Chika, what is going to happen now that his own two children will have a half-brother and sister? How will they cope with the children?
I am very sure that Mrs. Mbonu must have been hearing about her husband’s affairs. But like a woman that wants to keep her home and save her husband public embarrassment, she tried to curtail everything. Now that the game is up, there is nothing she can do than to accept those children. Her children also have to accept them as their blood brother and sister. Mrs. Mbonu should be able to accept her fate. The children of Mbonu will cope with the children because the family is well to do. They can fly the children abroad where they could study or be in boarding school. Before you know it, every heat must have subsided. The two children of Chika, must see the other two as offsprings of their father, so they must accept them. If they still love their father, they will accept their half siblings.
This story was first published in ENCOMIUM WEEKLY magazine edition of Tuesday, September 28, 2010
